No Means No

Lately, I’ve experienced multiple occasions where a man does not listen to me when I tell him no. In these instances, the man has believed himself harmless and that my ‘no’ was unjust. They therefore decide to override my stated preference and go on with what they were doing.

One guy obtrusively sat by me while I was reading. He grabbed my book out of my hand saying, “don’t mind” as he inspected the cover. Who is he to decide if I mind having my alone time invaded?

While walking into town a man on a motorbike stopped and told me to get on. I said, “no, I’m fine,” because he probably wanted money and why pay for a ride when I have two capable legs? Understanding my thought process, and not actually wanting money, he then grabbed me by the waste and tried to pull me onto his bike. Not okay with being touched, I ripped myself away and warned him to never touch a lady like that. He followed for a bit, still trying to get me on his bike as I walked away, ignoring him.

Another man offered to take me to a waterfall and I told him, “no I’ll find it myself.” He followed and when I reached the waterfall he started making a clay mixture to rub onto my skin. I told him, “no thank you, I don’t want mud on my swim suit.” He continued to make the mud and then put it on my arm.

I’m aware that I could have been a lot more aggressive with my no. I could have yelled at him to stop, or stood up and left. However, I didn’t want to be chased away from the waterfall or to sour the experience by being rude. This man then started rubbing mud on my back and then scooped down and rubbed it on my chest, underneath my suit. Not okay with this local feeling me up, I stood up and stopped him.

I felt guilty. I’m in Goa, a hippie land and a free guide wanted to massage mud into me, who cares if he felt my chest? Breasts are only a sexual thing if we agree to the society hypnosis that says they are. This man was harmless and had good intentions and I’m the closed minded prude that prefers being alone. However, missing out on a cool experience and a potential friend is MY choice and he had no right to ignore my, “no” and tag along.

Ever since that day, I’ve been resentful of having my free will ignored and I’ve been in constant bitch mode. Near my breaking point, the next guy to disturb me did not get off easy like the last two. I went to the beach and was far away from the crowds, reading by myself. A man squatted down and asked my name, age, and where I was from. I curtly answered, and Immediately went back to reading during each pause, hoping he would get the hint. As he squatted there staring at me I politely told him that I was enjoying reading and would like to be left alone. This man asked why and I explained that being alone makes me happy. Still confused he said, “I just want to talk.” Raising my voice I told him, “I said no. No Means no. You need to go or I am.”

Finally understanding me, he got up and left. I returned to reading but one minute later he was back saying, “please, just some time.” Infuriated that this man would not respect my space, I raised my voice to a scream. I repeated, “no means no. It isn’t your decision, it’s mine.” Finally this man left, and as I returned to my book I was shaking. I wanted to cry, I felt so angry and sad about humanity. I couldn’t show weakness to this predator though so I sucked up my tears and felt my skin grow even tougher.

In all of these instances the tag along guy was most likely harmless and probably even nice but why is it okay to override somebody’s no because you feel you know better than them? These men think that their company is a gift to me and that I’d be a fool not to accept. Since I’m hesitant it must be their job to try harder and force their gift upon me.

I understand that these guys have not crossed any lines sexually, but is that really the point? Do we want people to believe that when a girl says no, you only have to listen if you were intending to hurt her. What hurts one person may not hurt another. Pain is subjective. Some people have very different morals and the only way everybody can remain safe and happy is if we respect one another’s no’s. It doesn’t matter how pure your intentions are, if somebody says no, stop what you are doing.

I could be mingling with locals and getting free waterfall mud massages. I could be a yes girl and have some really cool experiences. Maybe I am close minded and rude but that is my right. I’m not going to let myself feel guilty for having my own preferences. No woman should feel guilty if she needs to get aggressive when defending her own personal space.

Ideally I could spread peace and love but ideally all of these men would leave me alone. Then feeling fully charged I could choose to make a friend, on my own terms. I have built some thick fortress walls around myself for protection. I’ll throw someone a rope if I notice they are unobtrusive and respectful. Ramming the walls of my castle is only going to unleash the dragon.