Time Machine

It seems to me that intense emotions or levels of consciousness are connected regardless of the interval of time between the occurrences. If you feel fear then the next time you feel fear you will have a flash back of the time it most recently happened. Similarly, when I smoke weed and get high, I feel like I resume consciousness from the last time I was at that level. Suddenly I feel inspired, light, and blissful. I frantically start taking notes on eye contact, smiling and the keys to happiness. My mind falls down worm holes that I could never retrace while sober. Yet the next time I’m high I find my way back and can hardly imagine not being able to get there.

Fear has also brought me back to past memories in an instant. Fear is such a strong emotion, though one I have not felt too frequently. When my adrenaline starts pumping, I feel my heart in my chest, and everything takes on a sharper pigment. These physical changes are a time machine to the past.

I have a few examples of when this has happened. I’ll start with some background information on a time when I went to Little India in Singapore. My sister and I went to Little India on a Sunday evening which we did not realize was boys’ night. That meant that all the Indian men from the city gathered in this neighborhood. They sat on the lawns and had juice and chips. Indian friends walked hand-in-hand all around us. The place was packed. There we were in shorts and a tank top, the only two girls in sight.

While walking, my hand accidently bumped a man walking in front of me. He turned around and gave me an up and down look. I apologized and kept walking. I noticed that he and a friend were following us. I told my sister we needed to cross the street and the two men did as well. We zig zagged a few times until I was certain we were being pursued. We walked into a shop and asked a non-Indian man where the metro was. The two men pursuing us entered the shop and waited in the back. Luckily, a non-Indian woman was checking out at the shop and said she was walking to the metro and would take us.

We left the store with this woman and the two men followed us at a distance. Halfway to the metro the lady stopped and said she needed to enter a shop but if we continued we would reach the metro. As we had this conversation with her the two men passed us. As we continued towards the metro we quickly reached the two men. They were waiting for us. As we crossed paths I fiercely scolded them saying, “do not follow us!” Once we got out of their eyesight we ran to the metro. We got away and all was well.

During the time we were being stalked I felt intense fear. We didn’t feel like we could tell anyone what was going on because everyone was the same race and gender and gathered there as family. Would they join the men and gang up on us? After this event happened I tucked it away in my memories and continued to enjoy my trip. However, ​I vowed not to travel to India unless I had a male companion.

A year later I was in LA, hiking at Bronson canyon when two young adults on bikes started following me. At first, I didn’t notice because I had headphones in. However, between songs I heard them taunting me and making threats. I immediately turned around and found safety but there was a period when my adrenaline was pumping and I felt fear. I felt transported back to Little India in Singapore. The memories of that previous night stood out as if it had just happened.

Another time, I was volunteering in Namibia when an old white man that was hosting me made an inappropriate sexual advance on me. We were staying at a lodge far away from society surrounded by cheetahs and hyenas and I had to bargain in order to be released. After that experience when I would see an old white man in Africa I felt afraid. It logically made no sense, but after that experience I feared old white men in Africa because of their position of authority in the Namibian society.

I recently had another reminder of the Singapore event, which I thought was long behind me. ​I broke my vow and decided to go to India as a female solo traveler. ​After surviving Africa on my own I felt like I could handle anything. India, the one place I vowed not to go on my own, was the next big challenge.

Feeling fearless, I headed to India. I had a connecting flight in Dubai and as I reached my gate and sat down, I noticed that nearly everyone was staring at me. I observed that they were all male and Indian and suddenly felt fear. I hated myself for feeling afraid, aware that it wasn’t rational or fair. However, my one experience surrounded by Indian men had been so emotionally charged that the time machine opened.

Nearly trembling at my gate, I somehow got on the plane and went to India. I’ve now been in India for two weeks and I have had no such fears. I’ve made friends with locals, navigated public transport and I’m currently staying at a guest house as the only female guest. The Indians I’ve met have been kind and easy going, which has greatly helped me overcome my fears.

I’ve heard that there are only two classes of emotions, namely love and fear. Hate stems from being ignorant and scared. Fear is hard to control. I didn’t plan to feel fear in the airport but there it was. I think ​it is important to challenge yourself and to try and get past the things you fear​. Had I decided to fear Indians because of one bad experience, I’d not only be racist but I would have missed out on a beautiful country, culture and many friends. Living in a world where so many of those in power are trying to propagate fear and ignorance, we need to remember that we are better than our raw emotions and we can overcome them. Love is the answer.

Im curious as to whether strong emotions create time machines for other people. In my experience, the intense emotions that accompany a drug-induced high, a passionate romance, or a grueling physical challenge have all seemed to occupy their own timeline outside of my daily reality. I’d like to hear other people’s stories of living outside of the linear timeline if they have any!